


An Education

by SalomeWeil



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anger, Anger Management, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Past Abuse, Therapy, Threatening behavior
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-12 06:59:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10485033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalomeWeil/pseuds/SalomeWeil
Summary: Rey was just a college student, trying to get her degree and get a life when Ben Solo walked into her school and turned her world upside down. Years later, she may be about to discover it was his world that was upended at their fateful meeting. Can he convince her and himself that second chances are for everyone? Or will she let the past dictate both their futures?





	1. A Prologue

Rey hoisted herself up against the side of the pool, arms resting on the concrete lip, and ripped her goggles off.

 

“And then -” she went on, although she was practically gasping for breath, “- he said he could take whatever he wanted! I mean -” she heaved another breath, “-that’s all but  _ explicitly  _ threatening to rape me!”

 

Finn nodded sympathetically and looked back down at his feet dangling in the water. He started to open his mouth in response, but there was a small splash from next to him and when he looked back over, Rey was already back in the water and taking off for the other end of the pool. He heard the rustle of wet swim trunks behind him and turned to see Bryn and Poe approaching.

 

“Hey, guys,” he said with a smile. 

 

Poe gave him a nod and a smile in response while Bryn, better known as B, just looked up and over the water, eyes glued to Rey’s nearing figure as she sped along the lane towards them.

 

“How long has she been at it?” he asked.

 

Finn glanced at the clock. “About thirty minutes?”

 

“And she isn’t going out for Swim why?” Poe interjected, sitting down beside Finn. Finn laughed.

 

“You know Rey.”

 

“Speaking of,” B said as the swimmer came up to them. She touched the wall and then pushed away some, bobbing a little as she kept afloat. She reached a hand up to quickly shove her goggles back again and graced the group with a tight smile. 

 

“Boys,” she said in greeting. Turning her attention directly on Finn, she started to continue her tirade. “I think I’m going to report him.”

 

“Whoa, Rey. Are you sure -”

 

“Report who?” Poe interrupted.

 

“Just some asshole of a teacher,” Rey said. She pushed her way past their legs and hoisted herself up against the side of the pool again, not stopping this time and showering a mostly dry Finn. B laughed at Finn’s expression while Poe merely handed a towel over to him.

 

Rey picked up her own towel and patted herself down a little, making her way for the showers while the boys followed her. 

 

“Rey,” Finn tried to catch her attention again. “Are you sure you want to go that far?”

 

“Finn, he was threatening, he was a complete narcissist, and he’s not even my professor!”

 

“Yeah, but shouldn’t you talk to your advisor first? If this guy claimed a connection with the man -”

 

“This is not up for discussion.”

 

Poe reached out and put a hand on Rey’s arm. “Come out with us,” he said. “Dinner. Drinks. My treat.”

 

Startled from her heated discussion, Rey glanced about the group of friendly faces again. “Poe, what -”

 

“You clearly need to talk about this some more. So, spill the beans with me and ol’ B here and maybe we can offer you some advice dear teddy bear Finn hasn’t been able to provide.”

 

“Hey!” Finn exclaimed while B smirked and Poe continued to gaze earnestly at Rey. 

 

Rey finally shook her head, gently detached her arm from Poe’s grip, and turned back to the door of the women’s locker room. 

 

“I’ll think about it,” she said over her shoulder. Then the door banged shut behind her.

 

“What was that?” Finn said, rounding on Poe. B sighed and turned away, heading for the men’s locker room. Poe looked at Finn innocently. 

 

“What? I’m just inviting my beautiful, distraught friend out for dinner in the hopes of providing a comforting shoulder to -”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“No, what’s bullshit is you advising her to not report someone she clearly felt threatened by. Since when did you join the great big brotherhood of campus misogynists and apologists, Finn?”

 

Finn blustered at Poe’s attack. “I’m not - that’s not what I was doing -”

 

“That’s not how she’s going to see it,” Poe replied calmly. “Now are you in later, or not?”

 

“Of course I’ll go with you. Look, Poe, I just think Rey needs to be cautious. This guy is supposedly connected to her advisor somehow and she’s got a lot at stake in this program - her scholarship, her teaching assistantship -”

 

“All the more reason to not let someone push her around,” Poe replied.

 

“I get that, I do,” Finn said. “But you and I both know that’s not how campus academics and ethics work.”

 

“Maybe not, but they should,” Poe said fiercely and Finn pressed his lips together. He wasn’t going to argue the point while he still needed to leave the poolside so he could wait for Rey, and Poe clearly needed to hit the showers, as B already had. He didn’t think it was fair of Poe to use Rey’s current situation as...an  _ example _ , or to push her into setting precedence for her an entire generation to come at their university. Rey was tough, sure, but Finn wasn’t sure she was tough enough to go up against the school’s administration and risk everything her hard work had brought her just because some professor was a dick to her.

 

Then again, Finn knew he might also be over-thinking things and reporting the man could be as simple as sending an email and never having to deal with him again.

 

After a split second stand-off, the two men nodded at one another.

 

“Fine. See you later, Finn. But get that stick out of your butt.”

 

Finn sputtered some. “I do not -”

 

“Do too!” Poe called breezily over his shoulder. Then the door closed behind him, effectively ending Finn’s second argument of the day. 

 

Finn threw his hands in the air, then turned and headed for the doors leading out of the pool area, tossing his used towel in the hamper on his way out. 

 

___________________

  
  


Finn scuffed the toe of his left boat shoe against a dark spot on the tired linoleum. He was still turning things over in his head - the things Poe had said - when Rey appeared out of the open door of the women’s locker room. A small hand towel was draped about her shoulders to catch any stray drips from her wet hair and she was wearing an old, comfortable t-shirt that was two sizes too big and the pair of black yoga pants he could swear she’d had for five years. Clean toes peeked out from under their ratty hem, a pair of bright blue flip flops on her feet making them practically glow against the dull color of pants.

 

“I know I’ve told you this before,” Finn began, “but you have the cutest toes.”

 

Rey laughed. “Only about a million times, Finn. I’m beginning to think you have a fetish.”

 

“Only about your feet.” His expression turned glum. “Look, I know you’re probably mad at me -”

 

“Why would I be mad?”

 

They started walking together towards the front of the building. Finn tried to summon his courage.

 

“About trying to talk you out of reporting him.”

 

“Oh.” Some of the brightness went out of Rey’s smile. She shook her head. “No. I know you’re just trying to spare me. I know what happens to students who make reports like that. I do!” she protested as Finn tried to interrupt her. “The thing is, although he deserves it...you’re right. I should email Solo first. And I will,” she added hastily, still trying to keep Finn from breaking in and making unnecessary apologies or interrupting her thought process. “After all, he’s my advisor, and I would’ve had to go to him about reporting this guy in the first place.”  She offered a small smile to Finn. “It can’t hurt to take a step back, right?”

 

Finn pursed his lips and whistled. “You must’ve had some shower. I’ve never seen you cool down that quick from a fight before.”

 

“Yeah, well, they finally got the boiler for the showers fixed,” Rey mumbled, drifting ahead of him. 

 

Finn laughed out loud and followed her, his mind a little more at ease...until her words from a few minutes ago entered his mind again. He chewed on his lower lip before braving the subject again. 

 

“Still. Rey, you said he basically threatened to rape you.” 

 

Rey whirled about, a fierce expression on her face, and shushed him.  “Don’t! Finn, at least keep your voice down!”

 

Finn frowned and this time it was his turn to be upset. He moved forward firmly and put a hand at her elbow, urging her toward the doors faster. 

 

“Ok, I will. But that’s what you said back there, Rey. And even though I know this university and I know how hard it is to be on the filing end of a behavioral complaint, I’ve gotta say that Poe might be right. Your first instincts probably are right.”

 

Rey blinked in the bright sunlight that assaulted them as they stepped from the building onto the sidewalk. She jerked her arm away from Finn and turned to face him again. 

 

“So now you think I need to just report him, not even talk to Professor -”

 

“That’s not what I said. I just...don’t let the bastard off the hook so easily.”

 

“I don’t intend to, Finn. I’m just going to do Professor Solo the courtesy of letting him know I plan on making a formal complaint. If this guy is even connected to him to begin with, which I honestly doubt, knowing the man.” She hesitated, and then a seed of doubt crept into her tone of voice. “Anyway, just because that’s how I construed his meaning doesn’t mean I’m entirely right. For all I know he could’ve just been feeling really territorial over the research materials.”

 

Finn sighed and rubbed a hand over his hair. “Just...don’t shut me out. Please? I know I don’t handle conflict well, but I want to be there for you, no matter what happens.”

 

Rey’s expression softened into something sweet and a little sad. “Thanks, Finn. I appreciate it.”

 

Finn met her gaze and then smiled back. “Anytime, sweetpea.”

 

__________________________________________________________

  
  


“Han, he’s got to go.”

 

Professor Solo looked up at the Dean and Luke was surprised to see a glimmer of tears in his eyes.

 

“I know,” the older man said, his voice gruff. He glanced away, out the window and down into the quad that Dean Skywalker’s office overlooked. “But I feel like I just got him back.”

 

“You don’t have him back. He’s just using the university and his connection to you for his own purposes. As much as I love my nephew,” Luke went on, “I also know him.”

 

Han didn’t dispute anything Luke had said and heaved a sigh. “Leia’s going to kill me.”

 

“You let me deal with my sister.”

 

“She’s my wife -”

 

“Ex-wife,” Luke reminded him. “And you are going to let me deal with her. Just like I will deal with him.”

 

“No,” Han said. “No, Luke. I’ll take care of Ben.”

 

“This is part of my role, Han.”

 

“At least let me soften the blow.”

 

Luke rubbed a hand over his face and his shoulder drooped. “Fine. But don’t say anything until I’ve had your student in here.”

 

“Which student? Why?” Han turned around and gave Luke a fierce once over. “You’re saying he’s gone after one of  _ my _ students?”

 

Luke was taken aback. “You mean you didn’t know? You acted like you were expecting this conversation -”

 

“Because I know my son is a grade-A asshole! But I didn’t know this involved one of my students - I just assumed he’d abused some poor aide or teaching assistant.”

 

“He did that, too. But  _ one _ ,” Luke emphasized the number, “of the abused teaching assistants happens to be an advisee of yours and I need to gather all the testimony I can before speaking to him. That way, if he plans to fight it…”

 

“You can take him before the Board with assurance.”

 

Luke nodded and Han clenched his hands into fists once, twice. 

 

“Well, how soon are you talking to her - I assume it’s a her?”

 

“Yes, it’s a young woman.”

 

Han turned back to the window and breathed a name. “Rey.” He glanced back over his shoulder.

 

When Luke didn’t respond, Han choked back a sad laugh. “Only my son would be dumb enough to verbally attack that girl.” A horrible thought suddenly occurred to him. “It was only a verbal attack, right, Luke?”

 

“She hasn’t reported it yet,” Luke said. “So, I really don’t know. Another student apparently overheard the exchange, but didn’t see anything.”

 

Han heaved another sigh. “That kid of mine...if it had been anything else, we would’ve heard by now. Rey isn’t the type to roll over and let someone browbeat her.”

 

“Han…” Luke walked around his desk and cautiously put a hand on his old friend’s shoulder. “It’s not the end of the world for him. He might still be able to salvage his career after this. But I don’t intend to shuffle him off to some other position with a good reference and sweep everything under the rug. He needs therapy, he needs a hobby, and he needs to deal with this problem now. Otherwise he won’t have a career left to salvage in another five years, and neither will the rest of us if we’re found complicit in allowing a serial offender to continue working under these conditions.”

 

“I know, Luke,” Han said. He tried to smile. “Leia’s still going to kill me.”

 

“I will deal with Leia,” Luke replied firmly. “Now why don’t you cancel the rest of your classes for the day and take the afternoon off? Go walk that lazy dog of yours in the park, or something.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Han grumbled. He took Luke’s hand between his and clasped it gently. “Thanks, Luke. And let me know if you want me to come in for your meeting with Rey.”

 

“I will,” Luke replied. With that, he watched his old friend turn and leave his office. He shook his head slightly, shivering suddenly, and wondered why it felt like Han had left his ghost behind him.

 

_______________________________________________

  
  


Rey’s phone buzzed impatiently for the third time and Rey finally took the straw from her mouth and shoved the plastic fruit smoothie cup back across the table’s surface, toward Finn. 

 

“God, who is it now?” she grumbled as she picked the phone up and checked the screen. Finn took the smoothie back and began to sip, watching Rey with curiosity. When Rey’s mouth formed a small  _ o _ , he put the cup down.

 

“Who is it, Rey?” he asked and she waved his question away as she tapped the screen and then held the phone up to her ear. 

 

Finn watched her closely, saw the micro expressions cross her brow, and heard her calm, if a little shaky, voice respond to a question from the caller. 

 

“Yes. I can come in this afternoon. Professor Solo’s class -”

 

She broke off abruptly and Finn watched her brow become furrowed, but her voice remained calm. “I understand. Thank you. Yes, I’ll be there.”

 

Finn waited a beat after she’d hung up, letting her gather her thoughts as she stared her phone’s screen. Then he offered the smoothie back across to her. “You have a meeting?” he asked and she shook herself some, then looked up at him. 

 

“I...yeah.”

 

“What about Professor Solo’s class?”

 

They had advanced surface engineering together in the afternoon three days a week and Rey would never deliberately miss a class. Finn waited for her response, trying not to let his sudden anxiety on her behalf show.

 

“It’s cancelled?” she said, sounding puzzled, herself, and Finn frowned. 

 

“Cancelled? Solo never cancels. Not even when he had pneumonia last year -”

 

“I know,” Rey replied shortly, suddenly standing up and gathering the few items she’d had on the table into her satchel. “Look, I’ve got to go. I don’t know what this is about, but Dean Skywalker asked me in for a meeting and...and…” She trailed off, her motions slowing, and looked back at Finn. 

 

“You don’t think this is about…”

 

“How could it be?” Finn replied, trying to level out his anxiety. “You haven’t even spoken to Solo yet. I mean, did you already set up an appointment with him?”

 

“No,” Rey said, shaking her head. “I...hey, maybe it’s about that additional grant I applied for. You remember the one?” she asked. Finn’s expression brightened considerably. 

 

“I do! Just three weeks ago, right? But didn’t they say it could be two months before you heard anything?”

 

“Well, maybe my application stood out,” she replied, flashing him her brightest smile and winking. 

 

Finn groaned. “I’m sure. You get all the best results. If only I were two inches shorter and a woman. These brown eyes would get me in  _ everything _ .” He batted his lashes at her in emphasis and Rey laughed out loud, knowing Finn was being ridiculous on purpose. Seeing her good humor was restored. Finn grinned back at her. 

 

“Want me to walk with you?”

  
“Sure,” she said, still smiling, and the two friends took off from the small cafe, heading down the street toward the hub of the campus. 


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We jump time in this story - I won't say chapter, because it's not going to be limited to one chapter here, one chapter there. I want to paint a picture for you all and art isn't always linear, alas. If you have questions, feel free to message me. I also want to apologize in advance if there are any engineers, government workers, or Navy personnel out there reading this story. I was inspired by the work of many of those closest to me to use such a setting, but proximity to something doesn't mean I'll get all the details correct. If you notice something glaring that you would like to see me fix, again, please message me! Thanks for reading!

_ _____________________________________________________ _

 

_ Rey could feel her breath coming faster - was this the start of a panic attack? She turned around and met the disdainful gaze of the man standing on the other side of the conference room, taking in his dark, tousled hair and wide, pale brow. Her heart rate sped up as she remembered how all those features had looked when twisted with an anger that was directed at herself. Beside her, another girl’s shoulders stiffened.  _

 

_ “I think I’m going to vomit,” the girl whispered and Rey turned to look at her. _

 

_ “Hey, no,” she said. “He’s not worth it. He’s just some prick. Dean Skywalker assured me he’s as good as -” _

 

_ “Oh, God,” the girl mumbled, then clapped a hand over mouth and started to double over.  _

 

_ Rey, aghast, grabbed the girl’s shoulders and began to hustle her from the room. _

 

_ “Miss Smith?” one of the trustees called after her. _

 

_ “Be right back. Emergency,” she replied over her shoulder as she rushed the girl out the doors. Her eyes just met the man’s again and she felt the expression of horror and anger on her face tighten until she couldn’t feel the corners of her eyes.  _

 

_ God, she only hoped she never had to see him, ever again -  _

 

Rey jolted awake, her whole body jumping to attention in the hotel bed. She was breathing hard and her skin was damp with sweat, plastering the top sheet to her legs, keeping it tangled about her. She peeled it away with shaky hands and then swung her legs over the side of the bed, letting her feet find the floor. 

 

A nightmare. She hadn’t had a nightmare that vivid in...oh, it had to be years, now. And she certainly hadn’t had a nightmare about that regrettable incident from her college education in years, either. Shaking her head slightly, she got up in the semi-dark of the hotel room and wandered over to the window, where a small air conditioning unit was set on high and noisily rattling away. She let the stream of air wash over her top half, cooling her just enough, then wandered over to the small bathroom. 

 

Flicking on the light, she looked herself over in the mirror. There were circles beneath her eyes from lack of sleep and extra freckles dotting her nose from lack of sunscreen, but neither were unusual in her line of work. Early morning testings, late night meetings, and nary a nap or SPF 65 in between. She shook her head again, then turned on the tap to let cold water start flowing. 

 

_ Regrettable _ …

 

After splashing the water on her face and neck repeatedly, she reached for the thin hand towel on the ring beside the mirror and patted her skin dry. A swipe of deodorant, a small elastic to gather her hair back, and she was nearly ready for the day. Her mind, however, continued to wander down long-abandoned paths as she hunted through her suitcase for a clean pair of slacks. 

 

There was nothing in her behavior during that time that had been regrettable. It was more that she found it regrettable the entire thing had happened at all. She was sorry that her life had involved such a bizarre incident and further, that her involvement had added to the stress a beloved professor had felt to the point where his weakened heart had decided he couldn’t live with it anymore. 

 

Not that Professor Solo’s heart attack had been her fault. The whole thing, if anyone’s fault, was definitely a combination of the professor’s early years of hard living and later years of bearing witness to the deplorable behavior of his son...

 

Rey paused in the act of shimmying into her slacks and sat down hard on the edge of the bed as that familiar anger and anxiety from so long ago swept over her again. No. She wasn’t going to let this happen. Standing back up, she gave her arms a good shake and finished buttoning up the pants, then reached for a shirt. She was better than this - than having a nightmare’s lingering effects hang over her like the whole thing was some dark cloud she was still under. Like it was somehow still her cross to bear. She scoffed at herself and slid the shirt smoothly over her head, pulling it down to her hips smartly. 

 

Enough. She was a grown woman, she had a job she worked hard at, she had the respect of her colleagues, and one run-in from eight years ago with some abusive prat who didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut or how to filter his emotions was not going to throw her off her game. Not today, not ever. 

 

Grabbing her satchel - upgraded these days to supple leather and hand-stitched craftsmanship - Rey picked up her hotel keycard and rental car keys from the small nightstand and then headed out the door.

 

It was only 4:30 am, but she knew herself well enough to know that she wasn’t going to get back to sleep, so. She might as well go to work than bother wasting anymore time thinking about the past.

 

_______________________________________________

  
  


“What time is it there?” 

 

His mother’s voice was distant through the phone’s fuzzy connection and he had to strain to hear her. That, and his ears were still blocked from the long flight and the lack of sleep he was feeling right then. 

 

“About five, I think,” he said. “Hold on. Let me check my phone - yes, a few minutes past five.”

 

“Well get to your hotel and get some rest,” Leia chided him. Ben felt the old, familiar sensation of being ten years old again creep over his shoulders, clouding his already exhausted mind. 

 

“I can’t. The test is at seven and I have to review the site first - and it’s going to take at least forty minutes to get there from the airport.” 

 

He nodded to the driver of the cab that had pulled up at the curb and then hauled his suitcase over to the trunk that popped open. One-arming the case inside, he shut the lid with a bang.

 

“What was that?”

 

“Just the trunk of the cab, Mother.”

 

“Listen, Ben, you need to -”

 

“Mother, I have to go. If I want any sleep it’s going to be on the car ride to the port.”

 

He heard something that sounded like a sigh and then her voice crackled back at him while he opened the back door of the cab.

 

“Call me when you can.”

 

“I will.”

 

The promise to call serving as the always unspoken and mostly assumed  _ I love you _ , he ended the call. Then he climbed into the back of the cab and began swiping through his emails. “Port Alderaan,” he said absent-mindedly at the driver. He barely heard the driver’s confirmation before he felt the car beginning to move slowly through the airport traffic. 

 

He knew he wouldn’t be sleeping on the ride out. That had been a lie. Then again, lying to his mother was like wearing a second skin. He’d been at it for so long that one more lie hardly seemed to matter.

 

_ Of course I’m ok. _

 

_ Yeah, I miss Dad, too. _

 

_ No, I don’t blame myself. _

 

_ Yes, I’m eating enough. _

 

_ Work is good. _

 

_ No, I don’t miss teaching. _

 

Well, that last one wasn’t a complete lie. He didn’t really miss being a professor. What he missed was the feeling of power and control over all those young minds. What he missed was feeling like he’d lived up to his family’s expectations, or even surpassed them. 

 

What he missed had nothing to do with actually teaching in a university setting. Academia had never been a good fit for him and he’d known that, all along. He suspected his family had known it too, but had blindly continued to support his choice, even when it became obvious what a terrible idea it really was.

 

Everyone except Uncle Luke, of course. That man could see through God, Ben was pretty sure. He felt an unexpected smile quirk his lips at the thought and then huffed in dissatisfaction. 

 

Of course Uncle Luke had been able to tell and had been the one to put an end to it. This was the same man who had testified against his own father during the big corporate trials of the 80s. The ones that involved money laundering and illegal hedge funds and thousands of people losing their pensions. The ones that sent his grandfather to prison and let him die there.

 

The ones that created two legacies he’d never be able to live up to: a power-hungry man who let wealth become his family and a quietly persevering academic who always did the right thing, no matter who got hurt in the process.

 

His phone pinged and Ben glanced down at it. Another desperate text from the test manager they’d sent out two days ago. 

 

_ Be there in thirty minutes for the review _ , he quickly typed out.  _ Best I can do. _

 

Then he leaned forward to speak to the driver.

 

“Can you make this any quicker?” he asked. The driver smiled at him in the rearview mirror.

 

“You got it.”

 

__________________________________________________

  
  


Rey moved among the bustling crewmen like she belonged there and her authority with the systems and materials they were testing went mostly unquestioned. 

 

Mostly.

 

“You’ve been on this project how long, again?” the test manager asked, peering at her over the top of his tablet.

 

Rey leveled a look at him that most of the men she worked with found a good deterrent to questioning her. 

 

“I was transferred over a year ago. It’s right there in my paperwork.”

 

She reached over and tapped the copy of her paperwork that was resting on one of the nearby consoles. The manager glanced at it, flushed, and then turned back to her.

 

“Of course. Look, I don’t normally -”

 

“I don’t care what you normally do or don’t overlook, sir,” she replied crisply, cutting him off. “What I care about it why we aren’t going to be able to start on time.”

 

This test manager had just arrived on site a day ago and already Rey thought she was going to be a week behind schedule. She knew the lead company was under review for a hotly contested contract, but she hadn’t expected that it would throw off their scheduling. Usually in a case like this, they’d just have someone on site to review the situation, not bring on a completely new test manager when they already had a perfectly competent one who’d been running the same tests with the crew and systems for three weeks already. 

 

“New oversight regulations for contract renewals,” someone had said over drinks at the hotel’s sports bar the other night.  If that was really the case, those idiots were about to find out what Rey thought of their oversight regulations - now, she realized the test manager was speaking again.

 

“...just waiting on the review.”

 

“We had a review three days ago!”

 

“Not a review by the contract liaison, it has to be an independent reviewer -”

 

“God, I give up!” Rey cried, nearly surprising herself with her own vehemence. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It would not do to make a stink and end up with strike against her in the next round of employee reviews. She had a reputation for being cool under fire, not for blowing her top. This had to be the result of that damned nightmare...

 

“I apologize, sir,” she said, trying to level out her tone of voice, and was gratified to see the expression on the manager’s face soften by a degree. “It’s just that we’ve had this set up for two hours and the weather conditions are -”

 

“I am sympathetic, please believe me. The site reviewer’s flight was late. I understand your distress and the problems this delay is causing, Ms. Smith, I really do, but we did everything we could to ensure he got here in time. I understand he’s almost done with the review now.”

 

The radio attached to the manager’s hip squawked and he immediately picked it up. Rey left him to the conversation and turned away, only to find a cup of coffee being thrust at her. She looked at it in surprise, then took in the handsome face of the man in front of her. A face she couldn’t possibly forget.

 

_ Dameron _ , his name tag read. Rey felt a swelling of emotions in her chest at the familiar last name.  

 

“You look like you could use it,” he said, keeping his voice low and eyes trained on hers. “There’s cream and sugar just in the office, if you need it.”

 

There was no rush to hug one another at the unexpected reunion, but he and Rey had never been friends that close anyway. She found herself smiling in return, instead. “Thanks. Black is fine. The darker the better on a morning like this.” She looked over his uniform as he nodded sympathetically at her and lifted her brows at the telling insignia. 

 

“Poe Dameron, in the flesh - and a captain, no less. How long has it been?”

 

“Oh, since graduation?” he replied, pretending to consider the question very seriously. Rey rolled her eyes.

 

“Yours or mine?”

 

“Mine, definitely,” he said, and gave a small laugh. Rey gave him another once-over.

 

“Well, catch me up, then. What are you doing here? I thought Captain Wan was -”

 

“He is,” Poe replied easily. “But I was transferred recently and they’re thinking of putting me in charge of one of these fine ladies. Suggested I might want to observe the testing here, get an idea of what the ships will have to deal with from your lot.”

 

“I see,” Rey replied, taking a cautious sip of the drink in her hands. It tasted like tar. She choked it down anyway, shrugging.

 

“Dark enough for you?” Poe asked, his eyes twinkling. 

 

Rey raised an eyebrow at him, deigning not to answer and instead asked what she ordinarily would have considered a pertinent question. “Aren’t you awfully young to be a captain?”

 

He just laughed at that, clapped her on the back jovially and said, “Good to see you again. We’ll catch up when you don’t have a test to run.” Then he walked off to converse with one of the crew.

 

Rey watched him for a moment longer, her curiosity piqued and her mind still a swelter of nostalgia and mixed-feelings. Then she turned back to where half of her team was sitting, speaking in whispers and obviously antsy. 

 

“Ok. Look, the new guy says the site review is almost over and then we’ll be able to get started. I’m sorry this is taking so long. I know, I know. We’ve been up and ready for hours already.”

 

One of the men opened his mouth, ready to answer a question, when there was a commotion behind them. Raised voices, heavy footsteps, and a sudden hush as an argument grew muffled behind a closed door. Rey looked over the scene only briefly before starting toward the office. 

 

“Sorry, guys,” she said over her shoulder. “Looks like we’ll be a minute more. I’ll be right back.”

 

She paused just outside the office door as she heard the voices rise again.

 

“You told them my flight was late?”

 

“I was just trying to cover for you -”

 

“Get your ass back out there and explain to them that my flight wasn’t late and that the real problem is you didn’t file the appropriate paperwork with me before the review, damn it!”

 

“There is no need to speak to me like that -”

 

“Like hell there isn’t! I’m not the one at fault here for not doing the job properly!”

 

Rey shivered as she rested her hand on the doorknob. There was something about the reviewer’s voice that gave her the chills. From the small window, she could only see his back, but the test manager was practically cowering before the taller, broader man’s form. Straightening her shoulders, she decided to step into the situation. After all, she’d never let the size of a man or the depth of his voice cow her before and she wasn’t about to start now - not when they had a job to do and, judging by the sudden shift in the weather, only a few hours of clear daylight to do it. 

  
She turned the knob, opened the door, and walked into the storm.

 

__________________________________________________________


	3. Chapter 2

______________________________________________

 

At the sound of the door opening, both men stopped speaking, mid-sentence. 

 

“Excuse me, exactly what is going on in here?” Rey asked as politely as she could, under the circumstances.  _ Remember that the goal is to defuse the situation so you can get back to work as quickly as possible.  _ Management Training 101, she thought to herself wryly. The reviewer’s shoulders stiffened and the test manager shot her a grateful look. 

 

“Just a misunderstanding, Ms. Smith,” the man told her hurriedly. “Ah, Ms. Smith, I don’t know if you’ve ever met our independent reviewer before…?” The man gestured to the figure in front of him, who swung around abruptly.

 

Rey immediately felt the corners of her eyes tighten in response. 

 

_ Oh, God. _

 

God, this couldn’t be happening. And yet...that swinging black hair. Those piercing dark eyes. The  _ abominable _ temper. 

 

_ Of course _ . If she hadn’t believed that dreams could be premonitions before, she did now. Rey looked at him coolly, unsure if he recognized her or not, then quickly stepped forward. It didn’t matter if he recognized her or not. What mattered was that they started the test sooner than later. She was here for a job and she intended to see it through. So, pasting on a politely disinterested expression, she directed her voice toward him in what she hoped was a vague manner.

 

“I’m not certain. It’s a pleasure, I’m sure,” she said, smoothly bypassing both a handshake and a mutual introduction.  She frankly didn’t care if she ever heard the man’s name spoken aloud again. Besides, if she really wanted to know it, his badge was hanging around his neck like a beacon. 

 

Blinking at it now - that symbol he was as welcome aboard the same space as she was - she caged whatever evil thoughts still threatened her mind and looked back at the test manager. “Now, are we all set, or is there something additional you need to go over with the team?” she asked him.

 

The man looked twice as grateful as he had just moments ago and shook his head. “No, the site’s been approved.”

 

“Hard to say who can take credit for the miracle,” Ben Solo murmured, his words slicing through the facade of niceties. 

 

Rey took a deep breath through her nose and glanced at him.

 

“It’s been a long morning already and my team would like to get to work. The crew would like their ship back before mid-afternoon. And I would like coffee that doesn’t taste like tar. So if you two are finished arguing about who is to blame here, may we please get the test started?”

 

Solo’s eyes flashed dangerously, but he didn’t bite back the way Rey was expecting. Instead, he sounded...contrite? Though the expression in his eyes was anything but regretful.

 

“Of course. Your test manager and I can have this conversation another time.” He hesitated. “I’m sorry you had to play mediator, Ms. Smith. It’s been a long morning for all of us.”

 

Rey nearly bit out something sarcastic on instinct, but stopped herself. Instead, she gave him a look that she hoped didn’t betray her true feelings too much, turned, and left, letting the door swing shut behind her. 

 

____________________________________________

  
  


Ben hunched over his lunch tray, fork in hand, and glared at the food in front of him. He’d elected to eat in the mess at the port, rather than go off base - mostly because he was tired and didn’t want to have to call a cab to take him somewhere, or bother getting his rental car yet. 

 

He was tired, he was hungry for something other than the cafeteria style meal in front of him, and he needed to be someplace quiet, where the assault on his senses didn’t involve fluorescent lights, a constant din, and the endless greys and blues of a navy shipyard. 

 

As he didn’t have any immediate solutions for any of those problems, he sighed heavily and dug his fork into the slightly soggy chicken parm on his plate. 

 

“Disgusting, isn’t it?” a voice across from him said matter-of-factly and a tray similar to his was set down with a  _ clack _ on the table. He glanced up, his mouth full of the chicken, to see a sun-kissed, dark-haired man with smiling brown eyes. He looked slightly familiar, but Ben couldn’t place him. The man, who was wearing a uniform, pulled out the seat opposite Ben’s and sat down, confidence in every line of his body. 

 

Ben chewed a moment longer and then swallowed.  “I’ve had worse.”

 

“Oh yeah? Where? Prison?” The man had raised an eyebrow in challenge, but there was still a crinkle of humor playing about his eyes and lips. Ben took a sip of water and inclined his head before cutting into the chicken again.

 

“Rehab,” he replied succinctly, then lifted his fork to his lips again.  The man pursed his lips, both brows raised this time. 

 

“Oof. Sorry, my man.”

 

“Don’t be,” Ben replied around a mouthful of food. He finished chewing and looked across at the other man...a captain? Captain...Dameron. 

 

“We’ve met,” he said suddenly. The man looked back at him.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you didn’t recognize me right away. I recognized you immediately.” His gaze flickered over Ben’s face briefly and Ben thanked God his hair covered his ears. Dameron continued, “Yeah, I was on the  _ Resistance _ when you came for a review last year. Last year? Two years ago?”

 

“Two years,” Ben agreed. “And it’s ok. I don’t always have the best memory these days.”

 

“Lack of sleep will do that to you,” Dameron responded, taking a drink of the tea in his glass. Ben turned his attention back to his food after offering a small smile of his own, once a rare commodity. 

 

“Well, that was some work out that lady received this morning,” the captain continued after a brief pause, his brown eyes observing Ben seriously. He didn’t return the smile fully, but he didn’t make up an excuse to leave immediately either, which Ben took as a good sign.

 

“Just observing?” Ben asked, making an attempt at continuing the conversation. He might have a better handle on his emotions and he might smile a little more readily these days, but small talk was never going to be his forte. 

 

Fortunately, Dameron took the comment at face value and picked up the theme. “That’s right. Transferred to this post recently. They’ll assign me a command soon.”

 

“You’re without a ship? That’s unusual.”

 

“Not with the shortage it isn’t,” Dameron replied. “Part of why I’m observing. Rumor is they’re building one for me.”  His already sun-kissed cheeks glowed and Ben raised his eyebrows this time.

 

“You must be good.”

 

“I’m the best,” Dameron replied, his smile self-assured and arrogant.

 

Ben smiled tightly. “I look forward to reviewing your ship someday soon,” he said. 

 

“I’ll look forward to that too,” Dameron said in response, although his gaze was now somewhere over Ben’s left shoulder and traveling swiftly across the room. 

 

Ben glanced over his shoulder to see Rey Smith, the lead engineer for the test and a few of her teammates walking through the mess. His mouth went dry for a moment and he turned back around quickly. 

 

Only after he’d drained his glass of water and set it back on his tray with a bang did he realize Dameron had gone quiet and was staring at him thoughtfully. Once he locked eyes with the other man, he saw a glint of humor and...something else. Another challenge. But quickly as it had come, it was gone, and the man was relaxed again, chatting amiably about the ships, the port, and the show they’d both been witness to that morning. 

 

Ben let his fork rest on his plate, suddenly uneasy, and definitely far from hungry. 

 

“So, Ben...Solo,” Dameron said, after checking out Ben’s badge, “what do you like to do for fun?”

 

______________________________________________________

  
  


“Guess who I ran into today, Finn?” Rey said, cradling her cell phone between her right ear and shoulder as she reached down to slip her feet into her well-worn sandals. Her work shoes rested by the door of her hotel room, covered in grit and the smell of the ship. 

 

Finn made a noncommittal noise as he thought and Rey took the opportunity to set her phone down briefly so she could pull a tank top over her head. When she held the phone back up to her ear, he was talking again.

 

“...Ryan Reynolds?”

 

Rey laughed. “Too far south for the celebrities, Finn,” she replied. 

 

“Ooh, you know who I wish you’d run into -” he went on, ignoring her reasonable response, “- Noah Wyle. That man is a silver fox.”

 

“Finn, you are ridiculous.”

 

“Yeah, well, you love me anyway.”

 

“Right. And what does Bryn have to say to all your obsessing over these older men?”

 

Finn started to reply, but Rey sharply cut him off. “Nevermind. Actually, what I really want to know is why he never mentioned to you that I was going to be running into his old buddy?”

 

Finn must have put two and two together, because his voice was suddenly squawking over her phone.

 

“Poe! You saw Poe today! Oh, man. No kidding! How is he?”

 

“So you knew he was out here?” 

 

“Not really; B mentioned he’d heard from him recently - and by recently I mean five months ago when he sent a two line text in reply to our Holiday card - but all B told me was that he’d been promoted, or was being transferred...no idea you’d run into him out there, sweetpea, honest!”

 

Rey sighed, chuckling a little, and straightened her tank top with one hand, then peered in the mirror at herself. 

 

“Well, don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m not upset. It was a nice surprise. Especially since…” she let her voice trail off and realized belatedly that she wasn’t sure she wanted to tell Finn about her other run-in with the past. Not because she didn’t want him to know, but because she mostly wished it hadn’t happened at all. That particular part of her past was something she was more than happy to leave buried there. 

 

“Since what?” Finn asked, destroying any hope she’d had of redirecting the conversation. She gave a heavy sigh and stepped back from the mirror.

 

“Since I ran into another delight from our college days. Rather, my college days.”

 

“That is your unhappy tone of voice,” Finn said. “Let me guess, an ex-boyfriend?”

 

“No,” Rey said. “Worse.”

 

“Oh, come on. What could be worse than being stuck on a project with an ex?”

 

Rey was silent and let him do the math again. Three seconds ticked by and she was rewarded with a breathy gasp, followed by a drop in voice as he let out an exclamation.

 

“No! Rey, you are joking.”

 

“I wouldn’t joke about that. Ever.”

 

“Oh, Rey…”

 

“Yeah, well, fortunately no one else seemed to think he was the big bad wolf. Even Dameron was sitting down at lunch with him.” 

 

“Maybe he has no idea?”

 

“He might not,” Rey conceded. “I think Poe was away for the Reserves for most of that Spring and the school managed to keep it pretty quiet, between the professional name he was using and one of the students who testified being the granddaughter of a trustee and  _ terrified _ . Even when Poe talked to me about it that time it’s not like I mentioned any names.” She paused as she thought back to that seemingly distant time, then shook her head. “At least, I don’t think I did, but remembering conversations from eight years ago with perfect clarity is hardly a priority for me these days. I’m lucky I remember what part of the country I’m packing for, anymore.” She crossed an arm over her abdomen and leaned against the wall, returning to the thread that was an appealingly bronzed man with enticing hair and eyes. “And anyway, we were completely different schedules, different majors.”

 

“True…” Finn was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was the same rich, sympathy-filled sound that had melted Rey’s heart all those years ago and given her a best friend for life. “Oh, man. Rey, are you ok?”

 

“I will be. I’m about to go out to the local restaurant the rest of my team has been inhabiting for three weeks. They promised me ‘the best frozen daiquiri this side of the Caribbean.’” She snorted. “Whatever that means.”

 

“Hopefully it means you get drunk,” Finn replied. “Just...be careful, sweetpea. You’re the only you I have.”

 

“Roger that. I promise to drunk text only you.”

 

“That’s my girl. Love you, Rey.”

 

“Love you too.”  

 

She clicked off the call and then looked down at her phone’s dark screen for a moment, marveling that after all this time, she still had someone in her life who cared about her as much as Finn did, who made it so easy to admit to something as dangerous as the emotion love was and always would be. 

 

With a small smile, she lowered her hands, tucking the phone into the pocket of her shorts. Then she lifted her head, pushed away from the wall, and looked herself over in the mirror again. 

 

Ponytail, loose hairs sticking to her face and neck with sweat, sun-kissed glow to rival Poe Dameron’s, glittering almond eyes, and lips pursed so tightly in anger that anything else someone might find attractive about her would likely be overshadowed by the overwhelming sense of ‘don’t fuck with me tonight’ she was projecting. 

 

“Great, Smith,” she said to herself in the mirror. “Let’s at least try to smile for the team. Save the scowling for everyone else.”

 

Her lips relaxed some after that, revealing a soft curve and promising color, but it was far from the confident, friendly face she’d been feeling earlier that day, before Solo had shown up. She narrowed her eyes at herself and then sighed and turned out the light. No point in admiring something that doesn’t exist, she thought. With that, she turned on her heel and left her hotel room, ready for what passed for food and entertainment in her life these days. 

 

______________________________________________

  
  


The local dive wasn’t crowded, but it wasn’t empty, either. It was pleasantly full, with patrons chattering away at their small, somewhat rickety tables and booths, and spread along the well-worn bar at the back of the restaurant. 

 

Poe Dameron was busy regaling the mix of sailors and civilians with stories from his more daredevil days - days which Ben Solo somehow doubted he’d really outgrown - and the man was clearly in his element. Ben hung back at the bar, content to nurse his Arnold Palmer and pretend he was enjoying himself. He’d only come along because he’d sensed that a) Dameron usually got what he wanted and b) he’d been desperate to avoid a touchier subject.

 

He brought his glass to his lips again and drank more deeply than he had before, his memory wandering. 

 

_ “Fun?” _

 

_ “Yeah, you know. Entertainment, leisure time...pleasure time,” Dameron had responded, waggling his brows at Ben suggestively.  _

 

_ Ben felt the tips of his ears grow warm and was once more glad for the hair that covered them. He shoved a forkful of food in his mouth to avoid answering and Dameron laughed. _

 

_ “I get it. Not the fun type. All work and no play.” The captain was quiet for a moment as he dug back into his own meal and Ben was grateful for the respite, although it didn’t last long. _

 

_ “You know, seeing Rey Smith reminded me - there was a professor at my alma mater. Last name Solo. You’re not -” _

 

_ Ben, who’d chosen that moment to reach for his water glass again, gave a start. The water sloshed violently over the side of the glass and Ben immediately apologized. Dameron shut up and helped mop up the small spill, a sympathetic smile on his face. _

 

_ “Sorry,” Ben said, depositing the soggy napkins at the corner of his tray. “I took a red-eye out here and I don’t sleep well in ordinary circumstances…” _

 

_ “I get it, you’re exhausted. The entire team of engineers looked it, too. All the more reason you need to get out, relax -” _

 

_ “Have fun?” Ben supplied, interrupting him with a wry expression on his face. Dameron laughed again. _

 

_ “Only if you’re up for it, Ben.” _

 

_ Ben, grateful the conversation had returned to a safer topic, managed to smile again. “What do you have in mind?” _

 

“Whoa, you might want to slow down on those lemonade iced-teas, Ben,” a voice near him said, bringing him out of his reverie. Ben glanced up to see Dameron standing there, a teasing look on his face. 

 

“Or what? I might float away?” Ben asked and Dameron laughed. 

 

“You’re funny, Ben. I’m glad we ran into each other again. Not many can pull off that dead-pan humor, but you must’ve inherited it.”

 

If only you knew, thought Ben. He grimaced down at his empty glass. Aloud, he said, “Actually, I think I do need to hit the head.”

 

“Hey, we’ll still be here,” Dameron replied, lifting his bottle in reply and there was a chorus of responses from behind him as the other men started demanding more stories. Ben gave him a curt nod before turning and walking away. 

 

He was just at the entrance to the narrow hallway that led to the lone restroom when he heard another familiar voice. It arrested his movement and he nearly ran into someone, he was so keyed into the sound.

 

It was that young woman. The one Dameron knew, the one that brought up so many memories for him he wished had remained firmly in the past… His eyes searched the nearby area for her and found her in no time. How could he miss her?

 

She was sitting at a corner table, leaned over it and in a heated discussion with two of her teammates. Her white tanktop highlighted her tan, even in the dim lighting, and her brown hair hung down her back in a sleek ponytail, despite the tendrils that curled around her face and neck. Her skin glistened with a healthy glow that had more to do with the lack of air conditioning in the small restaurant than the actual heat of the evening and her eyes were fierce.

 

He wouldn’t expect anything less from her though, honestly. She’d always seemed like the very definition of the word to him. Fierce, feisty, a snapdragon. So different and yet so alike the mama bear disposition of his own mother. 

 

God, had he really just compared her to his mother? He blanched and turned away, headed for the restroom once again. Getting in line behind some local dudebro, he tried to avoid touching the wall he was sure was filthy and crossed his arms over his chest. It looked like he was in for a wait. Great. His bladder decided to fail him just as someone else decided to take a dump...or primp, or whatever was going on in the single restroom. The dudebro in front of him shifted from one boat-shoed foot to the other, glued to his cell phone in what was likely the texting conversation of the century and he could feel the air behind him shift as another body entered the small hallway. 

 

Fantastic. Now he was sandwiched in between dudebros and the air turned spicy with the scent of the man behind him. Not that it was an entirely unpleasant scent - but he really didn’t need for his allergies to decide to start acting up just because some man-child had used an entire can of...whatever the smell du jour was. Surreptitiously, he turned his head slightly to see if he could maneuver away from the other guy a little more or not...and froze. Sleek, dark hair with just a hint of curling halo greeted his gaze. Sun-kissed shoulders sloped invitingly away from white straps. Dark lashes lay against freckled cheeks as what he knew to be fierce eyes bore into a cellphone’s screen and slender digits furiously tapped out a reply to someone.

 

That spicy scent crept further up his nose and down his throat and he tried to breath as shallow as possible as alarm bells began to go off in his head.

 

_ Oh, hell _ .

  
  
__________________________________________________


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An evening out doesn't go quite as planned for Ben or Rey...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue set in italics is meant to represent memories. Single words in italics elsewhere in the work are meant for emphasis in the present moment of the chapter.

__________________________________________________

 

Pretend you don’t see her, a voice in the back of Ben’s mind hissed. Turn around and pretend you have no idea she’s there. Or you can leave  now, walk right past her, she’d never notice you. Or -

 

She could render the whole exercise in options moot by looking up from her phone just then.

 

So much for that plan, he thought, as he watched her eyes start to travel up the long expanse of his chest toward his face. He turned forward in line abruptly, breaking the moment just as the restroom door opened and a man exited. The dudebro in front of him started to move to the door when said door opened again and this time a woman exited. 

 

“Oh, gross,” Ben heard Rey mutter from behind him and he couldn’t help the murmur of agreement that escaped his lips. 

 

“I mean, if airplanes are the mile-high club, what do you call this place?” she continued, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was starting a conversation with someone she’d once loathed enough to get kicked out of his job.

 

Ben grunted, but didn’t turn back around and hoped that was that. The dudebro looked back at them both in drunken confusion, then shrugged and walked into the restroom, closing and locking the door behind him.

 

“Gross,” Rey said again, more to herself this time, and Ben could just hear the click of her phone as she returned her attention to it. 

 

His shoulders relaxed some and he moved forward, into the haze of beer, body odor, and body spray dudebro had left behind. Still careful not to breathe too deeply, he uncrossed, then recrossed his arms twice in an effort at waiting patiently. He could hear the woman - Rey - Ms. Smith - still behind him, shifting her weight on her feet and clicking through things on her phone, an occasional snort or soft exclamation escaping the curve of her softly colored lips. 

 

Not that he’d noticed her lips, particularly. Not that he’d noticed anything about her in any way that could be deemed inappropriate, or predatory, or...he heaved a sigh.

 

He wasn’t some green, twenty-nine year old professor any longer. He was a full-grown man with a completely different career, a different trajectory to his life, a different outlook...just because he’d seen some ghost from his past didn’t mean his past still dictated his life. Wouldn’t his mother be the first to tell him that? His uncle? His father -

 

He dropped his chin to his chest and glared down at his shoes, scuffing the toe of one shoe against some unidentifiable blob on the plank flooring. 

 

_ And anyway _ , he told himself as he thought of the curve of her lips, of her body again and tried to remember if he’d even noticed how pretty she was all those years ago,  _ it was never like that for me _ .

 

“I’m sorry?” 

 

Ben’s shoulders stiffened and he realized he must have spoken aloud. Well. Might as well face the music. This trip couldn’t get any worse, after all. He straightened up to his full height and turned around. 

 

“I was talking to myself,” he said to her, ignoring the way her eyes went wide as she realized who was standing in front of her...trying to ignore the way her cheeks were suddenly stained red. “Sorry if I disturbed you,” he offered before turning back around.

 

And that was that. Demon conquered. Past forgotten. Future shiny and bright. He huffed a little at his idiocy and uncrossed his arms again to shove them in his pockets. Only then did he realize she was saying something.

 

“Hey,” came her voice. “I said, ‘hey.’”

 

He felt a hand land on his shoulder. This could not be happening.

 

“What?” he asked, spinning back, lips split in the ready snarl he’d so easily turned on the test manager that morning. 

 

She looked - taken aback for a moment, and it was enough to remind him that they were both professionals assigned to the same job right now. He wasn’t facing her down in a conference room full of trustees and scared girls. She deserved his respect for her position - no, for just being a human being - and he deserved - well,  _ something  _ resembling respect, surely, for similar reasons. He let his face relax and heaved a sigh.

 

“Well, what is it, Ms. Smith? You have my attention.”

 

“I just...you know, I’m not sure,” she replied, shaking her head slightly. She crossed her arms and peered up at him cautiously...curiously. 

 

He waited.

 

“I guess I just wanted to know that it’s really you,” she finally said. “But honestly, the scowl gave you away.” 

 

He returned her steady gaze, despite the slight twitch he could feel just under the skin at his right eye, ready to take over. He cleared his throat a little.

 

“I was just as surprised to see you,” he finally replied after several beats. She gave him an incredulous look and he allowed himself a small smile. That was what people who didn’t carry any grudges did, right? They smiled at one another? 

 

“I’m glad to see you’ve done so well for yourself,” he went on. “This has been a highly sought-after project.”

 

“I was hand-picked for it,” Rey replied, although the expression on her face hovered somewhere between disbelief and distaste, as if she couldn’t understand why she was standing here making small talk with him. 

 

He didn’t really understand it, either, but it’s not like he’d be there much longer, and if the universe was testing him to see if he was fully recovered, then he was up for the challenge. Anything was better than listening to more of Dameron’s ridiculous exploits and pretending to enjoy being out at the local hotspot. 

 

“Well, congratulations,” he said, and meant it. Then he tilted his chin at her in a nod of acknowledgement, and turned back around.

 

Of course, she wasn’t going to leave it at that.

 

“How did you end up with the government?” she asked in a rush, as if she had to make herself get the words out or else she’d choke on them. 

 

He rubbed a hand down one cheek and then turned back to her. “My mother,” he replied honestly. “She had some friends in high places at the time. It was her good name that got me my first security clearance.”

 

He could tell she wanted to say something derisive to that, but he could also tell - from his own personal experience with similar situations - that she was loathe to say anything that might be offensive, for fear of it ending up in her annual review. 

 

“It’s ok,” he said wryly. “You can say it.”

 

“Say what?” she responded, attempting to sound puzzled, innocent. He opened his mouth to reply, against his better judgment.

 

“Whatever it is you’re thinking,” he said. “You were always quite good at that. I’d hate to deprive you of an opportunity to express one of your natural talents.”

 

Rey bared her teeth at him. “Don’t be an ass.”

 

“You’re going to think I am one regardless of what I say or do now, so why shouldn’t I express one of  _ my _ natural talents?” he shot back. Against his better judgement, indeed. He was a little ways past better judgement by engaging with her in the first place, it turned out. And maybe some ghosts couldn’t be laid to rest.

 

He could see her mind working, ticking away behind those wide, hazel eyes as she deliberately held herself back from taking the bait he’d laid. Bait he may not have even wanted to lay, but his nature seemed determined to rear its ugly head whether he’d had five months or five years of therapy. He started to open his mouth again, to give her an out from the conversation, from the whole situation, when the bathroom door opened.

 

Dudebro brushed past them, the look of drunken confusion still full on his face, and Ben swung back around, grateful to end the encounter. Rey didn’t do anything to stop him, and he carefully avoided looking back at her as he turned to shut the door behind him.

 

The restroom door closed with a bang.

 

________________________________________

  
  


Rey gave a start at how loud the bang of the door sounded, then stared at it for several more seconds before she turned around and left the narrow hallway. Her feet carried her through the somewhat more crowded restaurant, past her teammates, past the bar, and out the doors into the night.

 

She stopped once she was outside, putting both hands to her ribs and taking in deep lungfuls of the cool, ocean-tinged air. 

 

Ben Solo, aka Kylo Ren, aka the one moment in her life she’d been as confused and scared as she’d felt watching her parents drive away after leaving her at that daycare center for ‘just a short day out’ so long ago. She had to shake her head once, twice, to try and clear it of the muddy, cobwebby feeling seeing him had evoked. No, not just seeing. She’d seen him earlier in the day and managed ok. It was talking to him - or some bizarre, watered down version of him - that made her feel so strange. 

 

Rey Smith had enough ghosts in her life and she didn’t need one more deciding to rise from the grave, thank you very much. 

 

She straightened up and smoothed her hands down her tank top, relishing the feel of the breeze across her skin, even if it carried with it the tang of metal and smoke so unique to a naval port. Fighting the tremors that were threatening to take over, she took several more deep breaths and pressed her hands back to her ribs, then her hips, in a valiant effort at controlling her body’s natural reaction to adrenalin. She felt the shape of her cell phone in her pocket and debated calling Finn. But no, it would be late there and between that and Finn and B’s weekly date nights, she really didn’t want to disturb them. She was a big girl, she’d survived worse - she’d survived  _ him _ before, after all.

 

So. There was no need to feel panicked, or shaky, or…

 

The door of the restaurant swung open behind her and she heard laughter spilling out, along with the stumbling footsteps of giddy sailors and tipsy engineers. It was so normal to her life now that it calmed her and she felt the fluttering of her heart fade away to its regular, steady beating. She took another set of breaths. In and out, in and out. There. That was better.

 

In fact, if someone hadn’t put a hand on her shoulder just then, she probably would’ve been fine. Instead, she jumped forward a foot and spun about, already lowering her center of gravity, hands coming up, ready for a fight - 

 

“Poe!” she exclaimed and he gave her an easy, albeit somewhat concerned, smile. She lowered her hands automatically, though her heart rate remained elevated and her chest expanded with renewed shaky breaths.

 

“I saw you coming outside - you looked like you were running away from a ghost. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

 

_ “I saw you running down the hall - what ghost did you see?” _

 

_ “No ghosts here.” _

 

_ “Are you sure? I -” _

 

_ “I was just - I forgot my notebooks. Class is about to start.” _

 

Rey shook her head. “Just needed some air,” she hedged. Dameron clearly didn’t believe her, but he didn’t push her, either. He’d always been more astute than she prefered in her friends. In his defense, though he saw right through her, he never used it to his advantage, or drove her for answers she wasn’t prepared to give. Finn would’ve been pestering her nonstop with questions by now. Of course, Finn always felt more emotionally available than Dameron, which might be why they’d never been as close, despite the man’s physical availability. 

 

Rey felt a slight flush rise to her cheeks and couldn’t help noticing the way his eyes were still watching her, the way one side of his mouth was turned up, as if he were trying not to smile.

 

“You’re here with your team?” he asked, offering her an out to what promised to grow into an awkward silence. 

 

“They wanted to unwind,” she replied. She shrugged and Dameron’s quirk turned into a broad smile. 

 

“You say that like it’s catching,” he said and Rey found her own lips splitting in a reluctant grin.

 

“I’m not very good at it,” she admitted. 

 

_ “Come out with us. Take your mind off things.” _

 

_ “I don’t want to take my mind off anything. I don’t ever want to forget what this feels like.” _

 

_ “What?” _

 

_ “Being so fucking powerless.” _

 

“You’re not alone in that,” he reassured her, his white teeth and crinkled eyes charming her in a way they never had when they were both still in college. 

 

Rey raised an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t even try to tell me that Social-Butterfly you has trouble unwinding.”

 

“Not myself, no,” he replied, laughing. “Some of the men I know, definitely. Want to join us up at the bar?”

 

“I -”

 

_ “Stop making excuses and just come out with me.” _

 

_ “I’m not going anywhere with you.” _

 

_ “For God’s sake -” _

 

_ “Don’t touch me!” _

 

Something about the warmth in his eyes and the way he hadn’t touched her since that initial hand to her shoulder made Rey close her mouth again and rethink her response. Taking a deep breath, she worked to quiet the tumble of memories racing about her mind. Rey felt her shoulders relax and then gave him another small smile and a shrug.

 

“Sure, Poe.” She gave him another look as he smiled back and then held the door open for her. “I can call you that, right? Not going to insist on your title?”

 

“Much as it would please me to hear your melodious voice calling me ‘Captain Dameron,’ no.”

 

The twinkle in his eyes, illuminated by the tacky neon signs in the windows, told Rey he was joking. Even so, he seemed to sense her lingering discomfort, and his voice grew more gentle, his expression more understanding. 

 

“Rey, you can call me Poe. We’re still old friends. Besides,” he continued, laughing, “I imagine whatever I say and do is going to make its way back to B and Finn and God forbid they have a reason to get on my case more than they already do.”

 

Rey snickered a little and shook her head, walking past him and back into the restaurant. She paused just inside the door and looked back at him.

 

“Well? Lead on,  _ Captain _ .”

 

Poe laughed again and began to usher her forward. This time, when one of his hands hovered at the small of her back, she didn’t jump. Instead, she felt the warmth from it spread along her spine and if it wasn’t a total comfort, it was at least easy to bear.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Before washing his hands, Ben leaned over the tiny sink in the dingy restroom and took a hard look at himself in the mirror. He had the hair of his hippie grandfather, the chiseled features of his scoundrel father, and the fiery sensibilities of his quick-to-anger mother and grandmother combined. 

 

He wasn’t sure where the ears had come from - no one was - but they didn’t matter so much, anymore. He’d gotten over his physical imperfections a long time ago, no matter how much his first psychiatrist had tried to blame his ears for everything.

 

Satisfied that he didn’t look too flustered after his encounter with Rey, Ben moved on and focused on his eyes in his reflection. He started to count his breaths. In, two three four, out, two three four. In, two three four, out, two three four. In…out.... 

 

When he was also satisfied that he was still in control of his temper - he could tell from the way the fine lines around his eyes relaxed - Ben lifted his hands from the edge of the sink. He washed them thoroughly, then straightened up. He tugged his shirt straight and ran a hand through his hair. Then he turned to the door, opened it, and started to exit the restroom...only to stop in the doorway.

 

Rey wasn’t there, in the narrow hallway. There wasn’t anybody in the hallway, in fact, but instead of feeling relief, Ben felt anxiety descend along his neck and shoulders. 

 

_ Breathe _ , he told himself. Keep breathing. In...out… 

He started to move again, exiting the restroom and heading back out into the restaurant, his feet taking him towards the bar.

 

In...and there was the sound of her voice...out...coming from the direction in which he was already headed.

 

He stopped short and watched as Dameron pulled her into the circle of sailors standing around the bar, watched as Dameron’s arm remained casually draped across her shoulders, watched as she threw back a shot that was pushed her way on the bartop. 

 

Ben reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, thumbed a few bills out, and tossed them on the nearest table. Then he walked from the restaurant and didn’t look back. He wasn’t even angry, he just...did not need any drama in his life. He was here for a week for a job that wasn’t worth getting fired over. No matter how nice the ship was,  _ nothing  _ was worth the drama anymore. 

 

Except...it had been nice to pretend, for a short while, that he was just an ordinary engineer; that he could go out and have fun and unwind like anyone else might. That even if nice things like real relationships would always be beyond him, he could at least have a relaxed acquaintanceship with people who understood his lifestyle and his career. And instead, he was being chased off like a damn dog for the second time in his life, by a beautiful woman and memories.

 

Fuck Dameron. 

 

Fuck Smith.

 

He hoped they’d be very happy together. 

 

When he reached his rental car, he opened it and climbed into the driver’s side. He paused, wondering for a moment why his heart was suddenly racing again. Then he put the car in gear and drove from the small parking lot, headed for the highway that would lead to his hotel.


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Rey makes stupid choices. Sometimes Ben still finds it hard to control his anger. And sometimes second chances are as easy as noticing when someone is sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wild Damerey appears! If this pairing bothers you, please jump ship now. *hands out life jackets* Reylo is endgame and the Damerey is merely a plot device. So chill. Thanks much. Enjoy. Kisses!

_______________________________________

 

“Rey, this isn’t a good idea,” Poe whispered, his face about an inch away from hers, his lips moving tantalizingly within reach. 

 

“Of course not,” she replied, knowing full well her breath smelled like whatever mixed shots she’d been drinking all night and that her skin was warm and slick with the kind of sweat born of humidity. She was a far cry from sexy just then, but Poe’s hair was disheveled and damp with the same sort of sweat and his eyes were glazed from an equal amount of alcohol and damn if she didn’t want to lick every inch of his golden skin just for the hell of it. 

 

“Then why are you suggesting it?” he asked, unable to keep gasps of laughter from escaping his lips as she boldly ran her fingers along his hips and down around until her hands were cupping his rear.

 

“Because you seem a little sad and I’m a little sad and I thought maybe we could cheer each other up the way we never did when we were in school together.”

 

In the end, he let her kiss him.

 

_____________________________________

  
  


_ Because you seem a little sad...because you are sad...sad, pathetic… _

 

Rey’s words from earlier cycled in her brain like the worst motif in the world, hounding her memory over and over until it dug up more of the garbage she’d tried to bury years ago. She could feel her heartbeat speed up as she relived that awful moment, brought back to life by the one face she’d thought she’d never have to see again. She knew she was dreaming, but she couldn’t make herself wake up. The fog of lingering alcohol and a throbbing headache left her to drown in feelings she abhorred, staring up at the face of a man she’d never wanted to forgive.

 

_ “What are you doing?” _

 

_ “My work.” _

 

_ “And your work just happens to be Precision Friction Stir Welding.” _

 

_ “It doesn’t ‘just happen’ to be anything. It is Precision Stir Welding because that’s what my thesis is on.” _

 

_ “So you didn’t choose it because you knew I was going to be here-” _

 

_ “What is your problem?” _

 

_ “My problem?” _

 

_ “The world doesn’t revolve around you, Ren.” _

 

_ “That’s Professor -” _

 

_ “Not to me. You’re not my professor. You’re not even teaching in my department. In fact, I can’t figure out why the hell you keep showing up in this lab.” _

 

_ “Because -” _

 

_ “Because you’re a sad, pathetic, washed up academic who can’t even get a job in his field?” _

 

_ “And you’re just a scavenger of other people’s work, picking up their scraps like a dog!” _

 

_ “Take that back!” _

 

_ “I can take a lot of things, girl; I can take whatever I want. But I won’t take back the truth.” _

 

Her eyes finally flickered open at that and she could feel the tears the dream had released: running from the corners of her eyes and down her cheeks, into her hair. 

 

“If those tears are over last night, dry them now. Nothing happened,” came a wry voice to her left. Her shoulders tensed and she glanced over briefly before turning away to sit up. 

 

Rey didn’t bother wondering why he was still there. Obviously they’d both chosen sleep over feigned discomfort in each other’s presence and a false sense of shame. They’d been friends in college, after all, so there was a certain level of familiarity. Still. He didn’t deserve her second-rate come-ons that were the result of emotional instability and bad memories.

 

“Poe. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. We were both drunk. We kissed some. It was nice. Then you passed out.”

 

She glanced over her shoulder at him to find he was smiling gently and shrugging. God, but he was a good-looking, devil-may-care asshole. He was also kind, and strong, and supportive.

 

“No hard feelings?” she asked and he lowered the glasses that were framing his beautiful eyes to give her ‘the Poe’: the look for which Finn and every other friend of theirs had constantly made fun of him, yet were secretly jealous. 

 

“You were probably right and we both needed it.”

 

“Why did you need it?” she asked, amused, and stood up to head for the bathroom.

 

He shrugged again and turned back to the phone in his hands. “Recent break-up.”

 

Rey paused, her mouth turning into a frown. “I’m so sorry.”

 

He looked up at her, smiling, and his eyes sparkled a little. “Don’t be. It happens. More often than I’d like, but it happens.”

 

Rey nodded and walked into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror and wiped her cheeks free of the tears before reaching for her hairbrush.

 

“So why the tears?” Poe had raised his voice to continue their conversation and she paused as she considered where to begin with her tangled hair.

 

“Pardon?” she called back, hoping to avoid an extended conversation. 

 

“You know what I mean. Why are you sad?”

 

She ran the brush down through her hair, one section at a time. Each tangle that was caught was tenderly pried apart before the hair was submitted to the brush again.

 

“Ran into someone I used to know,” she finally admitted.

 

“Old boyfriend?” Poe guessed, just as Finn had the day before.

 

“No,” she replied, her voice going soft.  

 

He didn’t let it go.

 

“Doesn’t have anything to do with Ben Solo, does it?”

 

Rey’s hand clenched around the handle of the hairbrush and she stopped what she was doing to stare back at her reflection. She wasn’t sure she liked what she saw. She cleared her throat.

 

“No,” she answered honestly, because Ben Solo, government inspector, was clearly not  _ quite  _ the same man Kylo Ren had been all those years ago. “But I don’t really want to talk about him, or any of this.”

 

A moment later, Poe appeared in the bathroom doorway. “I shouldn’t have pried. I’m sorry. But for someone as good at spotting sadness as you are, I figured you would have at least noticed him.” He paused and his eyes found hers in the mirror’s reflection. “He noticed you.”

 

Rey began dragging the hairbrush through her locks again, almost savagely.

 

“I wish he hadn’t.”

 

_____________________________________

 

An hour later, Rey was enjoying a light brunch on an upper deck of the hotel after she and Poe had parted ways. She had a view of the ocean from up here - a small view, but one nonetheless - and the sun was warming her shoulders in a gentle way as a breeze gusted across the open space. 

 

She felt at peace, however briefly, and was determined to relish the moment, even if her memory was determined to keep slipping ghosts of conversations long past across her mind.

 

Despite the light cloud cover, in the distance hints of sun sparkled off the ocean’s waves. She suddenly found herself yearning to be on the sand, to feel that grit beneath her feet and in her hair as she lay baking. 

 

It was her first real day off in a while since she’d begun this particular trip for testing and she wanted to enjoy it, somehow. She wondered if Poe would join her, or if he’d find better things to do. She wondered if being a rebound was as bad as it sounded, or if he’d even consider taking things farther than they had the night before. She wondered what Finn and B would say. 

 

She wondered if the memories she even had of last night, of demanding lips and firm hands and soft hair were even truthful, or if the reality of Poe Dameron would be different than their emotional, alcohol fueled tryst. She wondered how much of it she had dreamed.

 

She wondered if his black hair, soft and curling, was thicker than Ben Solo’s looked. 

 

Then she wondered where the hell that thought had come from, frowned down at her half-eaten quiche, pocketed her cell phone, and stood up.

 

_______________________________________

  
  


It had taken what felt like the better part of the day before Ben’s blood finally, mercifully stopped boiling. He’d been so angry - so,  _ so  _ angry last night - that he’d barely slept. He’d gone back to his hotel room only to change clothes again and go to the hotel’s work-out room, where he’d spent three hours alternating weights and kickboxing. Then he’d taken a pill for anxiety and spent at least two hours wide awake, watching a documentary on Jane Goodall. He thought maybe he’d finally dozed off around three in the morning, and it was six when he’d woken up, groggy, to the smell of coffee perking. It was a small source of amusement to him that somehow, in his rage-induced haze from the night before, he’d managed to set up the coffee maker in his room to turn on in the morning. 

 

After a hastily drunk cup of nondescript, black coffee, he’d thrown on his running shoes and gone out yet again to pound the pavement in search of peace.

 

Somehow an hour turned into three more and by the time the sun was halfway up the horizon he was glad he’d brought his ID and credit card with him, tucked into the same hidden pocket of his shorts as his phone was. Not that he’d bought anything at any of the shops he eventually found himself passing, but it was nice to know he was covered in the event he’d wanted to patronize any of them.

 

He found himself thinking of the time he’d lived in the area, however briefly, and the way his hand had fit in his mother’s, and how his father had so easily carried him upon his shoulders. He didn’t feel angry anymore, when he thought of those things, and how the years seemed to have so quickly cheated him out of any happy association with them...which he supposed was some sign of overall progress. 

 

But he also didn’t feel much of anything anymore, which was probably less a sign of real emotional progress and more a sign that his self-care routine, along with the drugs and supplements he took, was working. 

 

His therapist would tell him it was a  _ bad _ sign: that it indicated he was compartmentalizing and that he needed to air everything out and learn to embrace  _ all  _ his emotions, even the destructive ones - but he never cared much what his therapist thought, so it didn’t matter anyway. 

 

Besides, he hadn’t started out the night angry. In fact, he hadn’t even been that angry when he’d first run into her: the girl.  _ Rey _ , he thought firmly. 

 

No, he’d been able to manage his emotions without spinning out into total turmoil, at least at first, but when he’d seen her with Dameron…

 

He tried not to analyze it any further, certain he wouldn’t like the reasons behind the sudden uptick of temper. There was no point in feeling anything about Rey Smith any longer. They both had gotten out of the world of academics mostly intact, they each had a successful career - 

 

And they were staying at the same hotel, apparently. 

 

Ben stopped short just inside the doors of the lobby, entranced by the vision in a yellow tank top and khaki shorts that was standing at the information desk, chatting away with the person on duty who was heaping piles of kitschy tourist pamphlets in front of her. 

 

He drew a deep breath in through his nose and let it out as slowly as he could, before his pulse could speed up the way he knew it would if he let it. She was even better looking in the light of day than she had been the previous night, under dim, fluorescent lights and neon signage. Except, as interested and happy as she looked at the moment, taking the pamphlets and conversing animatedly with the receptionist, she also looked tired. 

 

Ben wondered briefly if she was tired because Dameron had kept her up all night and damn it, if the sudden image the thought provoked wasn’t like a punch to the gut.

 

He took another deep breath. In...and out. In...and out…

 

She turned and he was certain she saw him, because her eyebrows rose and those pretty lips of hers contorted and he didn’t - wouldn’t -  _ couldn’t _  stay for the rest of the show. 

 

Instead he turned and walked straight back out of the hotel.

 

______________________________________

  
  


What was she doing? What the hell was she doing - she saw him and her feet were suddenly carrying her after him, out of the hotel, making her reach a hand out and snag her fingers into his shirt, clenching around the fabric, pulling back -

 

“I said, stop!” Rey exclaimed at his back and he pulled away from her so quickly that she would’ve fallen forward and into him if she didn’t have better balance. But she was strong, and lithe, and the abrupt motion merely fueled her anger at seeing him.

 

“What?” he asked and she could sense his own anger, simmering away, though he was obviously trying to stay calm.

 

“Are you stalking me?” she asked and immediately felt foolish. He’d been a vicious bastard, but no one had ever accused him of stalking. She might’ve, had she known him any longer, but he’d never been interested in her outside of the classroom, at least, not that she could tell. 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

 

And there went the bottletop of his control. Rey found herself taking a step back and could suddenly only return his glare as he clenched his fists at his side and tried desperately to maintain his breathing rhythms. 

 

They stood there, facing off, the air so thick between them Rey wondered they weren’t choking on it when she finally couldn’t handle the mounting tension between them any longer.

 

“Christ,” she finally spat. “No, I wasn’t kidding, but I wasn’t fucking serious, either.  I don’t know why I’m even out here. Bloody hell!”

 

After what felt like a longer moment, but could only have been a few seconds, Ben’s large frame relaxed enough that his arms hung limp at his sides and he was able to run a hand through his hair. 

 

“I wish you weren’t,” he finally replied. “Look, I’m sorry we happen to be at the same hotel, but we’re both familiar with the way travel works -”

 

“Yes, and obviously this hotel offered the best rates when we each booked our trips. I get it, Solo. God. Why does it have to be you? Of all the inspectors they could’ve sent -”

 

He obviously bristled some at that remark. His shoulders straightened and his eyes took on a hard, calculating glint. 

 

“Maybe because this is a special project and I’m one of the best reviewers they have. Or is it so hard for you to believe that I’m good at something? That I deserve my position, and the respect it warrants?” 

 

Rey eyed Ben and tried to see what Dameron had - a sad man who needed company. Who maybe needed a friend. 

 

She failed, miserably.

 

And then, maybe because she’d failed and yet was someone who ordinarily prided herself on granting second chances and helping those in need, she found herself agreeing with him for the first time.

 

“You’re right,” she said. “You may not have earned my respect personally, but you were selected for this project, and regardless of circumstances, I need to at least respect the title you wear here.” Then, although she was certain she would hate herself for it later, she stuck her hand out at him. “Truce?” 

 

He eyed the hand she’d put out, then looked back at her.

 

“What kind of back-handed compliment was that?”

 

Rey raised a single eyebrow at him. “The best you’re going to get for now. Possibly forever.”

 

One corner of his mouth tilted up ever-so-slightly and he cocked an eyebrow of his own. 

 

“I’m not going to shake on it. But ok. Truce.”

 

Rey withdrew her hand and felt a little silly. “Well. Ok.”

 

They stood there in silence a moment more until Ben shook his head at her and the same tilt reappeared on his lips. Rey opened her mouth again and with no warning, found herself offering her precious time off like it was a sacrifice on the altar of a pagan god.

 

“I’m going to the zoo today, I think.”

 

Ben looked extremely confused. “Ok…”

 

“Have you ever been?”

 

The sudden conversation was apparently so bizarre, so surprising, that it had completely taken him unawares and he could do nothing except respond in kind.

 

“To the zoo?” he questioned. “I - yes? I think, when I was very young…”

 

“I’ve never been,” Rey replied.

 

Then she thoroughly shocked them both, despite the fact that she was the one doing the talking and really should have known what her own brain was about.

 

“Would you like to come with me?”

 

_________________________________________


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New beginnings aren't Ben's forte. That's one thing he still has in common with the man he used to be. At this rate, Rey won't have to learn to get along with him. After all, how do you form a relationship with someone who has no desire to enter into one? And anyway, Rey really ought to know...and know better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession: I've had most of this chapter sitting finished for two days, but I've been too nervous to post it. So I'm making a request to quell my anxiety: please remember as you read it that 1 - single narrator points of view are unreliable, 2 - moments of high stress impact each of us differently due to genetics, personal history, and present circumstances, and 3 - even with these revelations we still don't have a complete catalogue of past events in this timeline. 
> 
> Warning: We do jump from present to past and back in this chapter. Timey-wimey (but not time-travel, just memories - ha).
> 
> That said, bon appetit! And I welcome messages and questions at reyhotlips on tumblr. XOXO

_______________________________________

 

Ben had to take a deep breath before he could answer her.

 

“That’s...not a good idea,” he said and hoped his voice was calm and clear. He didn’t want to scare her, or worry her, or offend her. He just wanted to be honest, for once.

 

Her brows rose a little and she glanced away, as if she were thinking. “Right,” she said, almost absentmindedly. She turned her head to look at him again. “Right. Of course.”

 

He couldn't help bristling some at the implication of her disappointment. _Come on, why_ _  would I ever want to spend any time with you, getting to know you, you ruined my life - no, I ruined my life, you were just the canary in the coal mine -  _ he took another deep breath to keep his thoughts from stoking his fire and attempted to look less like an unfeeling, emotionless automaton. 

 

“I’m working later, anyway. After lunch.”

 

She took a breath of her own and he noticed her fingers clenching around the brochures in her hands, but he chose to let her have the moment. She didn’t need to know how aware of her he was: how he noticed every little thing, now.

 

“Ah. Well. Thanks for not being a dick about it?”

 

“Anytime.”

 

She cracked a sudden smile. “Was that a joke?”

 

“No,” he replied. “I don’t joke.”

 

They remained there for a moment longer, just staring at one another, and Rey finally shrugged and glanced back at the hotel doors. 

 

“I’m, uh...I’ll see you around, I guess.”

 

“Sure,” he said, more easily than he’d imagined, and watched as she turned and walked back into the hotel, presumably to get sunglass, or a water bottle, or some other inane item she’d need for a couple hours at the zoo. 

 

He gave her time to get inside and reach the elevators before he followed her in the doors and made his way to the stairwell. 

 

He didn’t get along with elevators very well. 

 

He didn’t get along with anything very well. In fact, Ben could probably count on one hand the number of things in life he actually liked and didn’t take issue with: his mother’s chicken cacciatore, koi, jasmine tea, and the Rufus Wainwright cover of The Origin of Love. Of course, thinking of that song only made him think of the nubile sun goddess who’d stood in front of him mere minutes ago and asked him to go to the zoo with her. 

 

His mother would be screaming at him right now, if she knew he’d turned her down.

 

Or maybe she’d understand. 

 

All those years ago, when he’d still be so uncontrollably angry, he’d made a series of increasingly stupid mistakes, until finally there had been no one left to protect him from the outcome. Although he supposed that, in their way, his family had thought they were protecting him. Academics had only fueled his misguided passions, after all: a fact of which Snoke had once taken unfair advantage. And when Rey had stood at the head of the battle, ready to trounce him into humility and obscurity forever, he’d had no choice but to accept the punishment. It was that, or continue to embroil himself and everyone he’d ever once cared for in the foul machinations of a sociopathic professor and administrator. 

 

So he’d gone, but not before causing more damage than was necessary, or fair. He’d tried to take Rey down with him and she’d returned the favor tenfold, despite the fear he’d seen in her eyes and the awful things he’d said and done. Not only had she taken the high road, she’d turned around and helped make sure that he never hurt another soul at the university level again. 

 

And now she was asking him to the zoo. Like she was really ready to try to move beyond their brief, but ugly, shared past. 

 

_ I don’t know which of us is the bigger fool _ .

 

He made his way to his floor and then down the hallway toward his room. All the while his mind began to wander halls even more winding and encountered memories he’d thought were long buried.

 

_______________________________

  
  


It had started innocently enough. Han mentioned his assistant during after-dinner drinks one evening in his “study” - in other words, the small garage at the back of his cozy professor’s cottage. He mentioned the brilliant thesis work, the new algorithms approved for use with  _ Kylo’s _ topic of study...mentioned how inspiring it was to watch some slip of a woman tangle with parts and equipment most of his male students had trouble managing.

 

“A girl?” he hadn’t been able to help saying.

 

Han had been more than happy to elaborate as he leaned over the Falcon, tinkering with something under the hood. More than happy to  _ bond _ with his errant son, returned home at long last.

 

More than happy to turn a blind eye to the truth, as he had been for most of Kylo’s childhood. 

 

Kylo let him talk.

 

____________________________

  
  


The first time he ever spoke to her, he’d surprised her, and then frightened her, badly. He hadn’t meant to - or maybe he had - but either way, the result had been the same. A mark on his record, a talking to from his brittle  _ uncle _ , and one step closer to the precipice of losing everything.

 

Rey wouldn’t look at him this time, but it was a hollow victory, considering he had seen in her eyes the first time exactly why he’d frightened her. Those eyes told her story without hesitation. He wondered if she knew. He wondered why he cared. He never cared when he chased all the others away. He never gave a second thought to  _ their  _ stories.

 

_ And everyone has a story, don’t they? _

 

“I didn’t realize you’re Professor Solo’s son,” she said, cutting across his dramatic internal monologue. Her voice was reasonable...and aloof.

 

He sneered as if to say something in return, but glanced away. He hadn’t told her. He’d started to, a dozen times, but it didn’t seem right. He didn’t want who he was to get in the way of what he got from her. He wanted whatever they had -  _ professionally _ \- to be his, and his alone. 

 

“It doesn’t matter,” he murmured and hoped the soft tone of voice would hide the anger he felt at being found out.

 

“Except it does matter,” she replied. Her voice was cooler. “It changes things.”

 

“So there are things between us, now? Last week you wanted nothing to do with me.”

 

“I haven’t said I want anything to do with you now, have I?” she shot back, finally turning to face him. “You’re still an entitled prick. Only now I understand why you insist on throwing your weight around.”

 

“You don’t have a very high opinion of my father,” he replied easily, misunderstanding her.

 

“I have the  _ highest  _ opinion of your father!” she spat at him, before turning back to her work.

 

“Ah. I see,” he finally said after a long moment. Then, and perhaps he really should have thought better before continuing the conversation, “He hasn’t disappointed you yet.”

 

“Go  _ away _ ,” she replied, the barest hint of anguish in her voice. And if he had been more of his former self then, at least a decade younger, before he’d turned Snoke into a man he worshipped and not just a mentor, and before that relationship had devolved into chastisement and blame, as every other relationship in his life had, he might have said nothing. He might have listened to her and left her alone, as she’d asked.

 

Instead, he’d reached a hand out and closed it around her wrist as she was in the middle of writing down a figure in her notebook.

 

It had been the absolute wrong thing to do; just as goading and threatening her in their first interactions had been the wrong thing; but he wasn’t entirely in control of his faculties. He was still so angry, so hurt over the way Snoke had just put him away, like a mistress past her use - relegated to seeking asylum from his family at some second-rate university - that it was like every word from this girl’s lips were a direct challenge to his intellect, his position, and his legacy. Her very existence riled him - the hope with which his father spoke of her, the tenderness in his mother’s voice when her name came up over the phone, the accolades she’d already begun to receive over her work with a system he’d helped to pioneer -

 

Meanwhile, he wasn’t even teaching in his own fucking discipline.

 

He wanted this girl to understand him. He wanted her to understand him so that she’d understand why he had to tear her and all her colleagues down, page by page -

 

“Let go of me!”

 

She was trying to pull her arm free and his hand just tightened -

 

“Ben!”

 

He let go like her skin scalded him and whirled to face the man he’d barely thought of as a father for years.

 

“He was just leaving, Professor,” came her voice from behind him. 

 

_ I can fight my own battles _ , he wanted to snarl at her, but he could only stand there, seething impotently, hands clenched into fists. Han’s face was twisted in fury, but behind his eyes there was...disappointment. Sorrow. Regret.

 

Kylo left the room without speaking to either of them, pushing past Han without so much as a second glance.

 

____________________________

  
  


Rey surveyed the mess in front of her and felt...nothing. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. There was no way to process this - no way that would end well. She felt a hand on her shoulder and heard Finn’s voice. It was as if he was speaking to her from miles away, through a cell phone with bad reception, and not standing right next to her.

 

“Rey...I’m so sorry. Are you...are you gonna be ok? How can I help you right now? Rey…?”

 

The hand on her shoulder tightened its grip some and that simple action - an increase of tension, fingers digging lightly into her skin - was enough to break her out of her trance. It reminded her so much of what had happened just days ago - a different hand on her shoulder, then. A different hand reaching for hers. And all followed with this infantile, incredibly dangerous betrayal. 

 

She jerked away from Finn without warning, feeling a flare of anger at the sheer childish spitefulness of the destruction in front of them begin boiling low in her stomach. 

 

“Son of a  _ bitch _ .”

 

Finn wasn’t shocked by her language, but he was surprised. “Rey?”

 

“I’m going to  _ kill _ him.”

 

“Rey, you’re worrying me. Kill who? Rey, do you know who did this?”

 

She gave a dry, humorless laugh. “It has to be him, doesn’t it?”

 

“Who? The TA?”

 

“He’s not a TA, he’s a professor, and he’s not even in this department. Do you know, Dean Skywalker tried to warn me about this.”

 

“What, that he’s a psychopath?”

 

Rey’s face was grim. She could feel the way her skin was taut with tension across her cheeks, her eyes sharp, practically unblinking. She thought it had been years since Finn had seen her like this. She wondered if her dearest friend had  _ ever  _ really seen her like this: vengeful, angry, ready to put every last self-defense move she’d ever learned to good use on the offense.

 

It only made her more furious to know that Finn had been so close when the destruction must have been happening. Not only Finn, but other students - maybe even other professors, staff... The fool could have done more than just destroy some precious equipment. The entire wing could have gone up in flames if one wrong piece of metal had been sparked, one cord been cut, or an outlet destroyed. Test results, thanks to her notes, could be replicated. Lives could not. 

 

Her fury finally reached critical mass and she clenched her fists, then whirled around and began running down the hall. 

 

“Rey! Rey!” 

 

Finn’s voice grew distant as she outpaced him, but she was barely registering it anyway. Every fiber of her being was focused on reaching the office of one Professor Kylo Ren and giving him more than a piece of her mind. 

 

She was going to see to it he never worked in another university ever again if it was the last thing she did.

 

_________________________________

  
  


“He can’t do this!”

 

“You destroyed a lab, Ben! For god’s sake! You deliberately, maliciously -”

 

“Stop _ fucking  _ calling me that!”

 

There was silence on the other end of the line while Kylo panted heavily, trying desperately to reign in his temper. He had enough presence of mind to wonder if he’d always been this angry, or if it was getting worse with age. The thought came out of the blue and somehow it helped to dispel some of the rage - enough that he could focus on what his mother was trying to tell him.

 

“I call you that, Ben, because it’s what I chose to name you after I carried you in my womb for nine of the worst - and the  _ best _ \- months of my life. And when I pushed you out and they laid you on my chest and were stitching me up, all I could do was cry because I was happier than I could ever remember being, before. So no,  _ Ben _ , I will  _ never  _ call you that ridiculous moniker that your shit of an adviser encouraged you to don. You are and always will be my baby boy, Ben. Do you  _ fucking _ understand me?” She went on before he could even respond. “And for the record, I one hundred percent support my brother in whatever actions he chooses to take now, because we’ve all allowed you to carry on this way for far too long, not to mention that you could have done more than destroy some equipment - you could have killed someone, Ben!”

 

He had closed his eyes and was trying to breathe - in and out - but the air kept sticking in his throat and he felt a strange prickling sensation behind his eyes. 

 

“That’s what she said,” he found himself murmuring.

 

“What?” his mother responded. “What who said?”

 

“Nothing,” he answered when he realized what he’d said. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Not if you’re going to allow this to happen.”

 

Despite all the times he’d seen his mother furious, it had been so long since he’d actively felt it directed at him that her voice now, cold and sharp, was like a shock of water over him. 

 

“I’m not allowing anything, Ben. You did this to yourself. You sought out this path. I'm not saying your father and I haven't made mistakes. Even Luke - but you have to take responsibility for this. When you came to me last year I thought this was it, that you were truly ready to move on. That you’d broken the hold that awful man had on you and your legacy. But I was wrong.”

 

Kylo felt something inside him crumbling from the weight of her disappointment. Was it his walls? He didn’t know, he couldn’t tell anymore.

 

“Mother, I -”

 

“No. Don’t, Ben. I will always love you. You will always be my son. And you have  _ so much _ potential. You are so smart, so gifted - but we were wrong to think all you needed was to be away, in a new environment. Ben, you have work to do. And I’ll be there for you, as much as I can. But you’re not going to change unless it’s your only choice. I can see that now.”

 

There were some soft noises from the other end - quick breaths, the rustle of something - a handkerchief, maybe. Something he’d thought long dead in himself lifted its head - he wanted to reach out to her, wrap his arms around her waist as he had when he was so young.

 

“Mother. Please don’t cry.”

 

The quiet sounds of the powerful Leia Organa sobbing into one of her mother’s old handkerchiefs intensified.

 

_______________________________

  
  


Ben leaned his head against the cool tile of the hotel shower stall and let the hot water wash over him. The steam rising up around him fogged his vision and filled his throat, but he welcomed the momentary burn, the sensations of unreality. 

 

When Ben was certain he was no longer in danger of crying along with his mother’s memory, he turned off the taps and reached for a towel. He dried himself hastily, barely running a comb through his hair before he was out of the bathroom and pulling on clean underwear, slacks, an undershirt, a button-down…

 

Making sure he had his badge around his neck and briefcase in hand, he left his hotel room practically the way he’d found it - bed still made, most of the towels still folded. Nothing in the fridge, dirty clothes in a laundry bag and off the floor. No shoes, towels, or papers strewn about the room’s myriad surfaces. Not even a lamp was left on.

 

It was like he’d barely sat down in the place...a phenomenal feat, when one considered just how much space he really took up. But then, he was in the habit now of being as unobtrusive as possible, and it was one lesson from rehab that he had learned quickly and practiced often.

 

He only wished that he could somehow apply it to people’s lives, as well.

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a lot of great, really well-written, satisfying Professor/Student stories, but I can't help feeling the need at times to point out the problematic aspects of such a relationship. This fic started as a personal exploration of just what I find problematic in those pairings and how I could address them without losing the fact that the dynamic existed once. So I've come at this story with Ben Solo's professor in a much darker place than many of the stories I've read. I wanted to maintain some of the context of their relationship as we see it in TFA. Anyway, now that I've bored you all, let me know if you want to see more. Thanks so much for bearing with my experiment.


End file.
